It is February and Winnipeg is in the middle of a deep freeze. I am definitely questioning why I have decided to shave my head completely bald. I mean, there seems to be no benefit to my style of haircut: 1. It’s so cold that I feel that I need to have a toque on all the time to stay warm; 2. Contrary to popular belief, yes, it is less work to manage this style but I have to shave my head every morning just to keep it close; and, 3. Everything, and I mean everything, sticks to my head. If you are familiar with Velcro, just imagine that on your head. The first time I pulled off my t-shirt, I almost got whiplash! I have to consciously pull my shirt off very slowly otherwise I’ll have to visit my chiropractor again. Don’t get me started on my pillow. I have to use a slippery material or else my head will never move when I sleep. On the plus side, my wife Lizabeth finds me more attractive. I think she’s crazy, but I love her.
Speaking of love, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Have you gotten your loved one something special yet? I have to be careful what I write here because my wife will be reading this article. However, I am willing to share my thoughts on the perfect Valentine’s Day gifts.
You can never lose by getting her jewellery. But which to choose? There is the token heart-shaped locket. In it you can put a lovely picture of you both, sitting by the lake during sunset and then have it engraved with your favourite saying signing it with our nicknames for each other. “I love you poopie pie! Happy Valentine’s Day from your awesome husband, Baldie.”
What if you’re in a new relationship, where your hormones are still raging but you don’t want to get a serious gift like jewellery, how about perfume or chocolates? But Dale, you ask, how do I know what is a good fragrance to choose, there are so many! My suggestion, don’t buy anything hawked by celebrities. Case in point, Britney Spears’ eau de toilette could very well cause you to marry your high school sweetheart during a wild weekend in Las Vegas. Wearing J. Lo’s perfume may cause you to make rash decisions during your film career and sign on to movies like Gigli and Jersey Girl. Scary to think, eh?
You can always try lingerie. No explanation needed.
Then there are gifts that you will have to think outside of the box. Has she ever expressed interest in space travel while watching an episode of Star Trek? Then I would suggest buying her a ticket on Virgin Galactic. For a measly $200,000 you can reserve a seat for her on the first private space exploration flight. You are given a glass of champagne, a nifty space suit and a stack of waivers to sign before you take off. I realize this gift is a stretch - no woman has ever watched an episode of Star Trek.
And for those spouses who really like scary movies, especially the ones with ghosts. I would suggest a Rolls Royce Phantom. For about the same price as the Virgin Galactic experience, you can purchase one of the most luxurious cars made today. Of course you’ll have to buy the matching mansion that comes with this extremely rare vehicle.
But in all seriousness, these gifts pale in comparison to a nice quiet dinner and perhaps a movie. You see, we’ve got five kids and don’t get many opportunities to spend time together as a couple so I will take every excuse I can to spend time with my Lizabeth. Feel free to use any of my gift ideas. I’ll wave to you when you fly over on your way to outer space.
Dale manages the communications department at a Winnipeg school division and recently finished the last of a dozen bottles of Aqua Velva he bought on sale at Woolco in 1985.